Save Me from Myself
by Pioneer7
Summary: Callie has a deep, dark secret; she cuts. She has never spoken a word about it, never been honest with it to anyone. So what happens when Brandon catches her in the act? How will she react? And after everything, will Brandon be able to save her from herself?
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Callie has a deep, dark secret; she cuts. She has never spoken a word about it, never been honest with it to anyone. So what happens when Brandon catches her in the act? How will she react? And after everything, will Brandon be able to save her from herself? **

**A/N: This is an alternate ending to 1.06.**

**Warning: Very descriptive – could be triggering. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters. **

**Enjoy!**

Save Me from Myself

Chapter One

_"There are two kinds of secrets: those we keep from others and the ones we hide from ourselves."_

_- Frank Warren_

When I was forced to share in my 'Foster Therapy Group', I always pretended I didn't have an addiction, that I wasn't depressed like the others; I always lied for I feared the truth burning under my clothes. More lies covered my lips than the scares that covered my body because I feared the jagged red marks that consumed my pale skin. I feared the dependency smeared in red. It boiled in my veins and yearned to breathe the crisp air above, to be brought to life but I fought the urge to let it. I fought the need to have 'control' of my own pain for once because I knew cutting was not the way. Even though the sleek, silver blade demanded to taste my blood again and demanded to be released from the lock box under my bed, I fought the will. I was in control...until I wasn't.

I shut the bathroom door quietly behind me and sunk to the cool floor. My hands were shaking violently and my breath hitched in panic. Liam's post flashed through my mind again.

_"Nice tree. That's the one outside your bedroom window, right?" _

No, no, no, no, no! This couldn't be happening. Liam was supposed to be gone; he was supposed to be out of my life forever. Why the hell was he back? A soft whimper escaped my lips as a kaleidoscope of emotions resurfaced and tears dripped slowly from my eyes. It was so loud inside my head! The painful memories swirled around and Liam's spine chilling voice rang out in my head until I felt as if my ears would bleed. I couldn't think or breathe; it was just pain and fear. More sorrow poured down my face and puddled on the tiled floor. I curled into a feeble ball and cried, wrapping my arms around myself for some type of comfort. I felt the need pounding against my heart but I refused it. I was clean; I didn't need to cut.

_I didn't need to cut. I didn't need to cut. I didn't need to cut._

I chanted this in my mind, hoping it would block out Liam but, of course, he invaded my walls. The need grew stronger until I couldn't resist anymore. I pulled myself from the floor and stumbled through the hall, my tears still blurring my vision. I silenced my cries as I entered Mariana's room. She was fast asleep on her bed, the water and pills still on her table. I snuck past to my own bed and groped underneath it until I found what I so desperately needed. The metal licked my fingers as I pulled it from its cage; my lock box. With it clutched safely in my sweaty fist, I tip-toed back to the bathroom and met my match. As soon as the door was shut securely behind me, I drug the razor relentlessly across my skin. Almost instantly, crimson bubbled above the surface and colored my ivory skin. I slashed over and over again until there was nothing but raw meat. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and sighed. Liam started to slowly fade into the blood and then he was gone; I was free of his demon...for now. I rinsed my hands in the sink, the blood pooling like an icy river and then wrapped my wounds in gauze. A slight chill ran up my leg followed by a slight breeze. I turned to the door but froze in my tracks.

"Callie...?" Brandon stood in the doorway, his face pale and sickened with panic. Damn, I should've locked the door...

**What do you think? Should I continue? Please review! The next chapter will definitely contain Brallie love and angst. Thanks for reading! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the wonderful feedback! I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

Chapter Two

Brandon stood, for what seemed like ages, in the doorway, his face tinged green in shock and disgust. I shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably.

"Uh...Brandon...what's up?" my voice was raspy from crying but I disregarded it. I soon realized how naked I felt underneath Brandon's petrifying stare. Beside the fact that I was only wearing pajama shorts and a tank-top, my skin prickled in his presence. Every faded scar was revealed to him and I felt the need to run and hide myself away. Suddenly, he broke out of his stupor, closed the door behind him, and advanced on me. He smacked the razor out of my hand, his face livid with anger, and grasp my by the shoulders.

"Callie, what the hell are you doing?" he whisper-yelled, for the rest of his family was still blissfully oblivious.

"I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said 'nothing'. Huh?" I bowed my head sheepishly. I prayed to god that he didn't put the pieces together, that he was stupendously oblivious, but that was just wishful thinking.

"I'm not joking, Callie! What are you thinking?" he shook me slightly in his anger, "Are you crazy?"

This struck a nerve. I glared at him with pure hurt but pushed the rising tears back down into my dark soul. So many people had spoken the exact same words to me when I revealed my secrets.

_Are you crazy...? _

"Maybe I am, Brandon," I spat out his name, "But you don't know the half of it. You don't get to judge!" I pushed him off of me and stormed out of the bathroom. I could hear his bare feet patting along behind me but I ignored him. How dare he yell at me for my own problems! Just as I was entering Mariana's room, he gripped my arm and spun me to face him.

"Get off of me!" I struggled to get away but he gripped me harder and pulled me into his room.

"Callie, stop struggling, I just want to talk."

"Why? Do you want to expand on why I'm losing my mind? Because if that's the case, I don't want to hear it!" I was careful of my volume because if Stef and Lena woke up, I was screwed.

Brandon sighed and collapsed onto his bed. He patted the spot next to him and I groaned but joined him anyway. He grasped my hands in his own and looked straight into my soul with those beautiful blue eyes of his. I squirmed, not knowing what to do.

"Callie..." he tilted my chin up with his hand so we were face to face. "I...I don't think you're crazy."

I snorted, trying to suppress a giggle. He sounded so uncomfortable and out of his element. Maybe he should play me a song to tell me how he felt because this was about unbearable for both of us.

"...You don't have to tell me everything but, if you can, answer me this. Why?" Even though it was one simple word, it was the word I had been dreading ever since he walked into that bathroom. That always seemed to be the question everyone asks. They always need a reason why so _they_ can start to cope. But the problem was that I had too many answers to that question and I couldn't explain them to Brandon – he wouldn't understand.

I shook my head, "No, Brandon. Not now...it's a long story."

He smiled at me and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Okay, well whenever you are ready to talk, you know where to find me."

I smiled back and stood from the bed, walking out of his room. But he called my name one last time and I turned to greet him.

"Could you do me one favor? The next time you feel the need to...you know...can you tell me?"

"You know you won't be able to stop me, right?" he nodded sadly. "Then, yes, Brandon. I will."

I left him standing in the hall and slipped back into bed, my heart still pounding. So now that Brandon knew, what was my next move?

**What do you think? Do not worry, Stef and Lena will be involved in the next chapter, along with the rest of the family. Please review! Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you SO much for all the love with this story! It means a lot!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter Three 

I heard the comforting murmur of voices as I trooped down the stairs to breakfast. Everyone was already seated around the island, except for Brandon. I was relieved he was not present; I was still embarrassed and frightened by the events of last night. As if in response to the triggering memories, my cuts tingled against my clothing and I pulled my sleeves further down, just to be safe. I plastered a smile onto my face and took a seat next to Jude. He smiled up at me and warmth spread through my chest. I ruffled his hair fondly. I was so proud of my baby; he always put a smile on my face and love in my heart. There was nothing he could do to make me stop loving him.

"Where's Brandon?" I asked, nonchalantly, as Lena piled my plate with pancakes. It seemed like a normal question but I still fidgeted in fear of being discovered. I had no idea what would happen to Jude and I if the system found out I was 'unstable'. They would dig up so much dirt on me; I could be placed in a group home. My palms started to sweat in fear and wrapped one arm around Jude, as if trying to protect him from my terrors.

"Piano." Lena's voice brought me back to reality and my eye brows furrowed. What was she talking about?

"What?"

"You asked where Brandon was. He's at his piano lessons." She said, completely unaware of my relapse.

"Oh. Right. Piano." I tried to laugh it off and kicked myself for being so stupid. Of course he was at piano; that was about all he did now days. Just then, Stef wandered in the front door.

"Hello my babies!" She smiled lovingly at all of us, her eyes lingering on me for just a second too long and then placed a soft hand on Lena's shoulder and led her from the room. She left a smile on her face but I could see a grimace through the sun. My stomach fluttered anxiously with butterflies.

_Do they know? Were they already planning our departure? _

No! I shoved the ugly thought of pure white walls and strait jackets out of my head. They wouldn't do that! Brandon wouldn't do that! But my trust slowly started to fade when I saw Lena's fearful eyes glance over to me. I quickly turned away for it was as if she could see right into my soul. They entered again and remained calm, as usual, but I could feel their panic in the air.

_It wasn't true! It wasn't true! It wasn't true! _

I chanted over and over in my head, desperately trying to convince myself of Brandon's innocence. He wouldn't betray me! I coasted my way through the rest of breakfast on auto-pilot, trying to act normal. My scars burned under my clothes, screaming not to be found and I prayed they would not.

As soon as breakfast was over and the dishes were clean, I stood and rushed from the room, pleading for safety but, of course, I received none.

"Callie, honey!" Stef called from behind me. I turned around reluctantly.

"Can we talk to you for a second sweetie?" Lena walked up next to Stef, her eyes pleading.

My heart froze and I nodded solemnly. I dragged my feet into the living room and almost on command, my phone vibrated. I pulled it from my pocket and read Brandon's text.

_'I'm sorry'..._

My world was breaking at the seams!

**What did you think? There will be confrontation between Brandon, Callie, Stef, and Lena in the next chapter so be prepared! Please review! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I would just say thank you so much for all of the love and support for this story! It means so much! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

**Enjoy! **

Chapter Four 

I shifted uncomfortably on the couch as Lena and Stef ushered Mariana, Jesus, and Jude out of the kitchen. Panic flitted across Jude's face but I smiled in encouragement. I couldn't let him find out my secret! I couldn't, I wouldn't put him through that! He'd been through enough. Although I dismissed Jude's panic, my own was fretting under my skin. It murmured in my blood and twitched in the back of my mind, causing my hands to sweat. I struggled to push it back behind my walls as Stef and Lena reentered the room or else I could spill everything. Unless Brandon already did...

Stef and Lena seated themselves in front of me, their hands laced tightly together, and stared intently at me.

"Callie honey, Brandon confronted us this morning with some news concerning you. Is there anything you would like to tell us?" Stef asked quietly.

My heart pounded against my chest and I struggled to keep my voice from shaking. "Well that's depends. What did he tell you?"

Stef looked back at Lena then turned back to me, tears glistening in her eyes. She unhooked her hands from Lena's and took mine instead.

"Callie..." Stef's voice was soft and pleading but I cut her off. I couldn't take another lecture about how it's okay to be afraid of revealing my secret! I could not take the look of disgust on Stef's face, the exact same look Brandon had given me!

_Are you crazy...? _Brandon's words echoed in my head again but I pushed the thought away and continued.

"Did you believe him?" I felt so meek as my voice broke in fear. A painful lump began to form in my throat and tears in my eyes but I wiped them away angrily. Why was I so weak!

"Oh honey..." Lena whispered, her voice breaking as well. It seemed they did believe Brandon and I'd just answered their unasked question.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid! _

My hands tightened into fists as a feeble sob escaped my lips. Stef and Lena instantly moved to my side and engulfed me into a hug. I let the tears fall fast and broke down onto Stef's shoulder. Hands rubbed tenderly against my shaking back and I cried harder. Jude and I were going to get kicked out! I would have to leave the closest thing I had to family! Fear started to make its way through my blood and I clutched desperately to my moms as if that would keep me safe. Perhaps they would...because they were my _moms_? They were my moms! I smiled through my tears and mumbled into Stef's shoulder.

"I...I'm s...sorry. I love you!"

I heard a cheerful laugh in response and looked up to see Stef and Lena beaming down at me, tears streaking their faces.

"We love you too sweetie!" Stef smiled, brushing my hair away from my face.

"B...but please don't t...tell Jude. Not yet." I begged. If he knew, I would never forgive myself for putting him in that situation.

"Of course, love. But _we_ need to talk about this, once Brandon gets home."

"Understood." I nodded, my mind wandering elsewhere. Now that my secret had been revealed, how was I going to stay in this house? And what would happen to Jude?

**What did you guys think? I hope you liked it! Callie finally let Stef and Lena in! I love it! **

**The next few chapters will definitely contain Brallie moments, and possibly a fight with Talya! Stay tuned and please review! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter Five

12:42.

Eighteen minutes before Brandon's return. Eighteen minutes before it all sinks in. Eighteen minutes before I have to put another smile on for the world and pretend. Of course it is useless; I'm just putting off the pain. Talking about it won't really change a thing. I may yell, I may cry, but I won't stop. I need to stop but I won't, I can't; I can't deal without it anymore. I can't just 'let it hurt'. Cutting is not what I want, but it's what I need. I'm not strong enough anymore. My heart may be numb but the crushing feeling of loneliness and regret stays the same. But sadly that is the price I am bound to pay for the mistakes I've made. I want to be fixed!

My eyes were sore from crying and staring at my clock. The hands seemed to move slower and slower the longer I looked, as if taunting me with the task of waiting. I just needed this day to end; I needed to be free of the tiptoeing and the looks of pity. I needed Brandon to look at me with fondness, not disgust. I couldn't bare his ridicule any longer. I couldn't...

"Callie, sweet heart, come down, please." Stef's warm voice rang up the steps, pulling me from my distressing thoughts. Acid churned in my stomach at the thought of facing Brandon again; the sympathy in his eyes, the shame in mine.

I couldn't do _this_.

1:00...

**What did you think? Sorry that it is so short, I just thought this story needed a Callie and Brallie reflection moment. She is on her way to recovery! **

**Thanks for all the support! Please review! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

**Warning: A little OOC Callie but not too much. **

**Enjoy!**

Chapter Six 

My heart pounding painfully against my ribcage coincided with my feet pounding against the steps. It seemed like the more steps I conquered, the more lay out in front of me, never letting me precede the living room. This phenomenon appeared to be in my favor though, because the thought of Stef, Lena, and Brandon waiting on the other side of the wall was enough to churn the already apparent acid in my stomach. My palms were slick with sweat and my mind was fuzzy, adding to the intensity of my panic laced skin.

"Callie, honey. Are you alright?" Stef's voice pulled me from my stupor and I realized the endless staircase was all in my head. I stood on the final step, my hand poised on the railing, submerged deep in thought.

"Um, yeah, sorry." I mumbled, "I'm coming."

"Alright. Take all the time you need." She smiled at me and left me to my own devices. I wish she hadn't. I wish she'd forced me into the living room because if I had my way, I'd run far, far away and hide. If I had my own way, this conversation would've never been a consideration. If I had my way...well things would just be _different_. But things weren't different so I had to swallow my fear, my guilt, and my regret, take the first step, and fix myself.

So, with one last deep breath, I entered the living room and faced the court.

Stef, Lena, and Brandon sat beside each other on the worn down couch, their eyes downcast. When the floor boards creaked beneath my feet, all three heads shot up to meet me. A soft smile spread Stef's face and Lena stood to meet me, while Brandon's face was emotionless. I hated how much I'd let him down, how much I'd let all of them down. I couldn't bare his look of shame and disgust upon me. Lena's soft hand enclosed mine and she led me to the adjoining chairs. I sat tall and stiffly, my hands twitching slightly with anxiousness. Lena grasped them carefully in support and I shouldered the nerve to speak.

"Whatever you chose to do, just promise me Jude will be safe and taken care of." My voice was dull and quiet. I deigned to believe they would send me away but that nasty end seemed inevitable.

The three shared a look and then Stef spoke. "Callie, sweetheart, Jude _will_ be safe and taken care of here and so will you. No matter what you might think, we are not giving up on you."

"You're...you're not sending me away? You don't think I'm too messed up to be fixed?"

A shrill cry slipped through Lena's lips and her eyes brimmed with tears. She covered her mouth in shock but Stef stepped in.

"No! Callie, that is the last thing we would think! You are part of our family now and we are going to take care of you because that's what families do."

A painful lump formed in my throat but I smiled through the tears.

"Promise?" My voice broke slightly. I prayed her answer was pleasant because I truly needed a family... or at least a support system. If I were to survive myself, I needed all the help I could get. And I needed Jude out of harm's way.

"Yes, honey we promise." Lena finally spoke, wrapping me in a warm embrace. Stef joined as well, forming a mom-sandwich. I giggled childishly in their arms and the cloud of panic slowly started to subside. But in the back of my mind I knew I still had one more mountain to overcome. Once Stef and Lena released their hold on me, I looked towards Brandon. He had a smile on his face which seemed to be a good sign but I still needed to pick his brain.

"Brandon, can I talk to you for a second?"

He nodded and led me from the room. This was it! This was the moment of truth!

**There you go! I know Callie's discussion with Stef and Lena was a bit brief and beat around the bushes but do not fret; there is a method to my madness. Please be patient with me. **

**Please review! I love to hear your guys' thoughts.**

**Thanks for reading! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: A little OOC Callie. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters. **

**Enjoy!**

Chapter Seven

The wheels turned in my head alongside my feet, which patted down the hall. I led Brandon into his room and shut the door automatically. He stood in the middle of the room uncomfortably for a few seconds and then took his spot on the bed. I joined him, déjà vu hitting me straight in the face.

"W_henever you are ready to talk, you know where to find me..."_

It seemed like that fateful night was ages ago. I was different, perhaps, or perhaps they were. I didn't know anymore. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted a smile to be a smile, not a disguise for pity. I wanted Brandon to care again. I wanted to be happy. But I know that won't happen, at least not as long as I'm broken. All I know is that, this conversation will be the beginning of the end. Either I was fixed, or I lost Brandon forever. And I could not deal with that. The reflection of my lie had kept him waiting long enough. It was the moment of truth.

"Callie...?" Brandon's hand on my own pulled me from oblivion.

"You with me?" concern painted his face and my heart fluttered with a thousand butterflies. Why did he have to do that? Right at the moment I was about to break my own heart, he has to sew it together again. His tranquility was so frustrating! I was never speechless, until I meant him... I searched my brain desperately for words but Brandon's hand, rubbing circles on my palm, ripped them all from my mind. Thankfully, he spoke first.

"Now, before you start Callie, I just want you to know that I think you are very brave in doing this. I am proud of you."

_I was not expecting that..._

He grinned widely at me and my heart dropped. All of the butterflies that had previously occupied my heart were now flying out of my gaping mouth. I sat in awe, processing his words, and willing myself to speak.

"You're...proud?" my voice was barely a whisper.

"Yeah," he squeezed my hand reassuringly and continued, "Callie, I know being vulnerable scares you but you are being so strong. I'm proud that you have finally let us in."

"Oh..." my cheeks began to flush and I looked away.

He was proud! I couldn't believe I'd spent all this time thinking he'd hated me when he'd actually been proud. I kicked myself for disregarding his purity and believing in the worst.

"Are you blushing?" he pinched my cheeks, clearly lightening the mood.

"What? No!" I squealed, swatting away his hand, a giggle falling from my lips. He laughed, bright and cheerful, filling the room with sunlight. It felt nice to feel a real smile on my face, to enjoy the rumble of laughter in my chest, and not have to act.

Once I'd suppressed my giggle, I turned serious again. I had to get this off my chest.

"Actually Brandon, I thought you hated me..." my words hung in the air like spider webs, wiping the smile off of Brandon's lips.

"I thought that you were, I don't know, ashamed of me. I mean, you were avoiding me and...well you kept looking at me like I was this disgusting, wounded animal." I finished with a sigh and waited for him to explode. But he didn't. I stared into his calming face and saw tears forming in his blue orbs.

"Callie...I..." his voice broke on my name and I looked away. My hair fell into my face, hiding me from Brandon. I couldn't see him cry.

"Callie," he lifted my chin and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear, "I need you to know that I could never hate you. Do you understand me? Never. And, to be honest, it hurts that you would think that but I understand why. I have been distant lately and I apologize but I thought it was the right thing. I thought you needed space to process, as did I. But I could never hate you Callie because...because I care for you."

"What?" I couldn't have heard him right. Absolutely not.

"I care for you." he spoke with more confidence and time seemed to still. Nothing moved, nothing breathed; it was just us.

"I...I care for you too, Brandon." I whispered, willing myself to open up. I fought the itch to run from him and his hands kept me. He reached his hand up and caressed my cheek, lifting my chin, our noses almost touching. I felt the warmth of his breath on my top lip before he engulfed me in a kiss. His hands gripped my waist, and then moved up my back and into my hair, his lips crushed passionately against mine. And I kissed him back. I gripped his shirt in my hands and leaned into him, our bodies molding into one.

Then he pulled away quietly, and smiled at me. And I smiled back, color flooding my cheeks again. But then I was pulled back into the present and everything I felt came crashing down. A brick wall formed in my mind, detaching me from Brandon, and shoving my dignity back in my face. He was with Talya! And we were foster siblings! This was so wrong...but it felt so right.

So I leaned in again and pecked his lips once more. In that moment, I didn't care about anything except him. I could deal with the consequences later.

**So? What did you all think? Are you excited?**

**Please review! **


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